Update 1

It has been nearly 4 years since I wrote on this blog. I kind of let it fade away and looked back at it as a thing from the past. But I realized today I really miss writing and it's way of expressing things I can't speak.

Since this time last year, March 2020, so much has happened. 

Aside from the crazy world events, in my personal life I feel there has been so much change. Physically speaking and in my heart. I know it's all good, for God is sovereign over all. But I've learned that grieving is part of the process, as long as we don't stay there. 

Since this time last year my brother Andrew moved to Nashville, TN. From being used to a 15 minute drive to hang out with him in the evenings, grabbing dinner or listening to him jam on the guitar, to now living across the country, never visiting his current home and hardly talking because we all have busy lives and the days tend to fly by too fast.

Since this time last year the Canadian border closed and I haven't been able to visit my sister at her house, nor has she been able to come see our home since we got married. It used to be an easy 30 minutes to drive up to Abbotsford and now, we rely on facetime calls and occasionally meet at the border for an afternoon. There was an abrupt end to birthday parties and going to the park and coffee dates.

Since this time last year, my parents and all my younger siblings moved back to Missouri. When they were still in WA, my husband and I would spend at least one night a week there. My mom would text and say dinner was in an hour, or we'd go over for sunday afternoon. One time we even biked the 8 miles to my parents home in Lynden from Ferndale, just because we could, and why not? Now it's a request-time-off-work and buy a plane ticket ordeal to visit home.

Since this time last year I put aside my Culinary School education for the foreseeable future. When money gets tight and other things got moved to life's top priorities, I decided that it was easier said than done to keep going.

Since this time last year our best friends, and married couple who started their married journey at the same time as us, they moved to Austin, TX. After losing my family along with weird covid stuff, they were the family we dwelt with. Once a week at the very least we would find ourselves at each other's houses; eating, laughing, talking, playing games, encouraging and sharpening each other, and just doing life together. 

And it's okay to grieve. 

I often would write something like that all above, but end every sentence with "but it is okay'. And it is, but I don't have to apologize for being real. And showing others that it actually hurts, is sad, and lonely.

But I won't stay there. I see the goodness of God in all of these little things, as significant or trivial as they may be. 

I see God's hand in moving Andrew somewhere different, putting connections in his professional and music path. I don't know the outcome, but I know God is good. He has His hand in everything. I know He is growing us and shaping us in every little thing. And maybe not being able to go to my sister's house and play with her babies and laugh with my brother-in-law, maybe it's pushing us to search for the good. Like being more vulnerable on the phone, or over text, or reaching out more. I miss my mama, my dad, my brothers and sisters, but I know there's a reason. They needed to be home. They needed community, friends, rest. Taylor and I, we know we won't be in Washington long. I can't tell you where we feel led or where that'll be, or even what it'll look like. But not having my parents here is probably just another tie to Washington that was released. And the Hamiltons? Well we are still in the midst of grieving their everyday presence in Bellingham. But we also know without a shadow of a doubt that God was leading them to Texas. For the work, yes. But for His glory all the more. He's got BIG plans for them and their heart for ministry and investing in people.

Goodbyes are really hard. Really. But looking back on our lives, we've had a lot of goodbyes, between the both of us. And I don't look at it from a negative perspective any more, but really as how God has been preparing us. To not hold so tightly to people, places and things. But to live a life of cherishing every moment and living life to the fullest TODAY, and letting God hold tomorrow.

Like I mentioned before, we feel God calling us to simply be ready. Ready to GO at the drop of a hat. Taylor and I, we are dreamers. Let me tell you. We have the perfect pinterest boards of the perfect southern home with a huge garden and acres of land to have animals and free spaces that our future children can roam free on. We dream of a happy and simple American dreamy life. 

And last week God wrecked those dreams. Not that we don't like that stuff any more. But it's somehow, crazy, not our top priority any more. We see the quickness, and fragility of life. It's short. 

"Only one life, twill soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last."

So many people don't even know the name of Jesus. And THAT'S where we want to be. Right in the midst of the heartache, so we can give the sweet sweet hope of Jesus. 

And so here we are. Not knowing what's next, but knowing the Author of it.

Would you pray for us?

Read more

Wilderness Survival

Montana Wilderness School of the Bible doesn't take it's name lightly.
We are located way out in the Bob Marshal Wilderness.
Our third week of  "class" was spend outdoors, everything to live off of for 6 days packed on our backs, and in the wild.

Here is my journal of what everyday for my crew looked like... (for your own enjoyment, in your nice, warm and dry homes)


The night before leaving: utter chaos

        

Day 1: Off to Bighorn Lake we go!

(Taking a beak at Devil's Glen)

9.4.16 - 9pm

We left this morning at 8:45 from campus. Thankfully not as early at the Holland Lake group, that Elijah went on. They left at 4:30 this morning to drive to the trailhead.

Today was about an 8ish miles to our campsite for the night. We took it fairly slow with breaks every so often. We planned to set up camp around 2:30/3pm, but took a few wrong turns and trails. Good start to our adventure filled trip. We got here to camp around 4pm.

We set up tents, got firewood, a fire going, and hung the food bags in the trees.

It has been sprinkling on and off all day, and now is a steady rain.

It's hard to keep things organized and dry. Also this being only the first day is hard to think about.

But God is with us and will give us strength to pursue.

We were supposed to meet up with another hiking group for the night, but never found them.

We ate a warm dinner and did dishes (thankfully we're camped right next to the Dearborn river)

We made hot cocoa and talked at the fire. Now everyone is in their tents.

It has been a fun time already, and I'm sure it'll only get better.

9.4.16

This morning almost everyone woke up in soaking wet tents. It rained all night.

We packed up our things and headed out in the chilly day. Today was supposed to be our hardest day. We headed straight up the mountains, switchbacks for about 4 hours.

But getting up to the top was worth it. We really had some amazing views, and that was only the beginning!

Read more

float

Okay, let's do this

Turn it up so I can feel it
Turn it up so I can be near it
Baby says she's got that feeling
Moonwalking on the ceiling

It's alright
It's alright

Turn it up so I can feel it
Loud enough so I can get near it
Baby's in that slow emotion
Moonwalking on the ocean

It's how we float, yeah

Feet ain't even touching ground

It's how we float, yeah

Flying at the speed of sound

I'm in orbit like a jet pilot

Ain't no gravity to try to fight it

It's how we float, yeah

We ain't never coming down

Don't you need someone to lean on?

Don't you need that taste of freedom?

It don't take no education

All you need's an invitation

It's alright

It's how we float, yeah
Feet ain't even touching ground
It's how we float, yeah
Flying at the speed of sound
I'm in orbit like a jet pilot
Ain't no gravity to try to fight it
It's how we float, yeah
We ain't never coming down

Away from the crowds where you realize
The herd's insecure or the free mind
So don't let em tell you what to feel like
They can't bring me down, can't bring me down, yeah
Money gonna run away hardest
Money gonna leave you broken-hearted
But money can't finish what we started
It can't bring me down, can't bring me down, yeah

It's how we float, yeah

Feet ain't even touching ground

It's how we float, yeah

Flying at the speed of sound

I'm in orbit like a jet pilot

Ain't no gravity to try to fight it

It's how we float, yeah

We ain't never coming down

feet ain't never coming down

Read more

4.10.2016

Today I went to a park with a new friend from work. And made three new friends. We had such a great time outdoors enjoy sunshine, laughter and rest. Jesus is so good, so good. I'm learning to let go of so many expectations I put on myself and just live the life of whatever he brings. 

Life may turn out differently then what we had imagined when we were young. But if our hearts are in the right place, no matter what, it'll be good. 

So enjoy these iPhone, bad quality photos. Because it's the moments that matter. 

Read more

3.11.2016

The moments, days, weeks, months, life screams by me and I stand with a loss of words to write down. I'm always searching for ways to express my soul, grasping at quotes and lyrics and scriptures that glimpse of ways He whispers daily to me. It often blurs together and I look back and... it's already March? When did that happen?

Life as an adult is an interesting thing. It's full of surprises, but somehow I don't mind at all.
I love the gifts that years give back to you. It's definitely a give and take.

Time and years, they mature, heal, slow.
Even through the flying by.

I don't even know what I am trying to say here. But what I am trying to say is God is good, and I know that from first hand experience. Even if the years aren't turning into what we always thought or imagined they would look like, when I rest in giving my lives and future to God, whatever comes my way is a beautiful thing.

It doesn't always look beautiful in the moment - oh, ask me how I know this.
I've had my fair share of crappy days, headaches, and anger, and wanting to just let go because life really does stink sometimes.
But looking back... He's weaving a beautiful fabric of stories. Of stories that are alive, with feeling.
Flushes of love and excitement, and hearts that burn with anger and very real questions of why did this happen. Little joys, laughter, darkness and doubt, they're woven in too. True followers of Jesus don't hide their scars, they bring them to the light. Because by His stripes we are healed. His wounds, his bruises, the very real weight He carried on His shoulders as He hung on the cross.
The cross is the climax of the gospel, not something we should hide and shove under the rug.
The crosses in our lives are testimonies, are living breathes of moments that we can speak and share without shame and say, "See this? This is what God did through brokeness."

Years bring beauty.
Good, bad, joy, pain.
All combined, can I just say, it's a wonderful life.

Read more

2016

It's so hard to believe it's already a new year once again. Crazy how time flies. 

Some of my "New Years resolutions" would be...

Blog more. (I think I only posted two times on the blog this year.)

Photograph more. 

Exercise more. 

Enjoy anything and everything that God brings into life this year. 

Get to know Jesus more. 

 

Read more

Steady as it goes

Steady as it goes. This phrase popped into my head and keeps going round and round. Like it wants me to notice it, grasp it. I couldn't help but search it out.
Steady.

What does this mean... I don't know. But I think Jesus is teaching it to my heart a little at a time.

I looked up the definition of "steady". The meanings surprised me, at how clearly it is described.
-- Firmly fixed, supported, or balanced; not shaking or moving.

Firmly fixed, on Jesus.
Supported, by Jesus.
Balanced, through Jesus.

Not shaking or moving, because my feet are firmly planted on the Rock.

It's not a steady life or appearance or steady job or steady in the physical, natural sense.
What He's getting at in me is a steady heart.

"His heart is *steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries." 
-Psalm 112:8 (ESV)

Other versions use other words, but they all tie back to the meaning of steady. 
*Confident

*Fearless

*Secure

*Upheld

*Established

*Assured

*Firm

Lord Jesus, I want a steady heart!

Keeping my gaze firmly fixed on Jesus, unwavering, it is then it shall be steady.

And a steady heart, is a heart at rest. Tying back to my previous blog post, I cannot do it myself. I cannot muster up the courage to be all those definitions of what steady is. I am the opposite inside. I am afraid, I am blown to and fro with the waves, I am insecure, doubtful, weak, full of fear. 

If someone were to look into my heart and life right now, and describe it to you, not in a million words would they use the word steady.

Ask my family, my close friends... I am a wreck, tossed by each whim. I say things I shouldn't, think things I shouldn't, find joy in wrongdoing, entertain fear of the future. I don't have a very balanced life, certainly not consistent.

I'm not the steady person. And on my own, I never can be.

Only Jesus can steady my heart upon Him. 
And nothing else. So many other voices call out to me, fantasize me, taunt me.
But they do not satisfy. They are only loud, and restless and fearful. 

Only Jesus. Only Jesus can steady my heart.
Because He will satisfy me.

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation." -Isaiah 12:2

And when I come to the place of gazing upon Him, He steadies myself as I rest in Him, trust Him. When all I'm concerned about is Him, He'll take care of the rest.

...The rest. What's the rest of the phrase? Steady as it goes.

As what goes? Life. Life keeps going. I can rest and stop and wish life would stop and slow down (how many times in my day do I just want life to slow down, let me grasp it).

But resting in God and trusting and a steady heart... all that doesn't mean life will slow.

No, life goes on. Life a river rushing, always running, never stopping. When I try to swim against the current it only wears me down, returns me to the place of restlessness. I am no longer steady, at rest in my heart. I am striving on my own. I reach and try to hold onto the water as it rushes by me, around me, through me. I try to capture the droplets, but in vain.

Life goes on.
And oh, how well I know this. Change, and so little time, and finding purpose and.... how fast I beginning to worry about life.

I'm the one called to a steady heart. Not to try to steady life. 

He'll lead, I'll follow.

And when I do, oh how sweet the water as it carries me. And I drink of the River of Life: Jesus.

Steady my heart, Jesus, upon you alone. So that I can say as the Psalmist:

"God, my heart is steady. I will sing and praise you with all my being." (Psalm 108:1)

Steady as it goes.

Read more

Change, life, and my brain unwinding

So much in life has been changing. The past year has been full of change.

From one thing to the next.
Some change is harder than other, while some is gladly welcomed.

Sometimes change means growing, though the goodbyes involved can be hard.

Learning to accept. Therein lies the peace.

"In acceptance lieth peace."

I'm a pretty slow learner of this. 

But grateful for a Father who is full of grace.

But accepting what? Change? Yes, but not just the physical.

Accepting the emotions, the waves, myself, my way of thinking...

Through this season, though it can be hard, I've been learning that God is all about grace. He's all about love. He's all about just taking pleasure in us. 

He's not out to get us, to beat us into perfection, to thump us with the Bible.

He's there with open,  loving arms, to pick us up and dust us off when we make mistakes. 

To hold us when we weep, when we laugh, when we walk through life. 

He's there for me, not against me.

But here's the catch, the newbie for me:

He's always for me. Always, as in, not just when I do right, when I do good, when I'm seeking Him.

This life's a journey, and He's there in the ups and downs, mountains and valleys.

My light-bulb moments and my dark moments.

Those moments of doubt? Yes, He's there. 

And He's not judging me, He's actually holding me, keeping me, loving me.

Sunday it was said this way, and it was as if I were the only one in the room at this moment,

"It's okay to not be okay. But its not okay to stay that way."

Bing! It's okay! But don't stay there forever.

He cries when I cry.

How profound.

A heart of wandering isn't wrong. Questions about life, about truth, about God Himself aren't wrong.

Because He created us to ask, seek. He lets us find Him and rest.

He's holding me, and there's nothing I can do to change that

Can a baby hold itself? Neither can I. No matter what I do, I cannot keep myself in Him.

But He is. He's doing all the work.

And all I have to really do is rest.

And one more thing, He's not out to make all Christians the same!
He's not wanting us to all fit into a box, to all do the same thing, act the same way,
talk the same way, dress the same way, believe the same way....
He created each individual so very different from the rest, on purpose.
Look around, the Creator loves creativity. It's so obvious.
Let's learn to embrace it, embrace ourselves, embrace the diversity in others.
Let's not conform to each other, but each individual conform Himself to Jesus.

There's no formula.

I hope you can articulate a little bit of my scattered thoughts here.

And that you can take away some encouragement.

It helps to have a place to just dump thoughts out, 

and maybe sort them out.

Everyone has such a beautiful mind and soul and heart. 

I pray that we each learn to love one another for who each individual is, 

and all our unique differences.

Read more

Let The Light In

Let the springtime enter, oh soul

Like the dawn of a brand new day

Let it wash away the winter of thy cold and darkened heart

Let the sun melt the sorrow of yesterday

Give thyself anew to thy Creator

Start afresh and turn the next page

Stop going over what has already been done

Learn thy lesson, child

and move on

Open up thy heart, 

and do not hide from the sun any more

Treasure each moment you've been given

The here, the now.

Thy sorrows have lasted the night

But joy always comes in the morning

Stop denying the fact that the sun is rising

For He is opening to thyself His loving heart

Arise, and shine,

for thy Light has come,

and the glory of the Lord has risen upon Thee

Be not afraid to open the window of thy soul

To let the spring breezes blow in and cleanse thee

Be not afraid to be made new.

Just as each year the flowers appear once more

after winter,

So too, thy heart has not died, only slept.

Give thyself to thy Maker, oh my soul

Be not afraid

For it is He that causes the sun to rise and set

The wind to blow and be still

The flower to thrive and fall off

Trust, my soul.

And do not be afraid to thrive.

Here dawns a new day.

Read more

the year of 2014

What a year, 2014! What a year.
I feel I stepped out of a whirlwind, and whoosh! The year is gone!

But when I look back on it, I can see the Lord's guiding hand through it all.

It was a good year.

I learned His faithfulness; that when we don't see how a situation can work for good,
He always comes through.

I learned to trust Him a little bit more; 

when the way is dark, He carries His own. We have no need for fear!

It is good to go back and see all the Lord has done.

It reminds me of His goodness.
Here are some of the highlights from my year.
(The italics below are journal entries corresponding with the month of the year)

"I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all that You have done;

I ponder the works of your hands.

I stretch out my hands to You;

My soul thirsts for You like a parched land."

Psalm 143:5

(January)

"And in this place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people', it shall be said to them, 'children of the Living God.'" - Hosea 1:10

(february)

Oh, but then forgiveness comes

A grace that I cannot resist

And I just want to thank Someone

I just want to thank Someone for this.

Now I can see the world has chnaged

it's glimmering with promises

written in a script of stars

dripping form the prophets' lips

I just want to thank Someone for this

To be more than merely innocent

but to be broken then redeemed by love

Maybe this old world is bent

but it's waking up

and I'm waking up

Cause I can hear the voice of One 

He's crying in the wilderness

"Make ready for the kingdom come"

Don't you want to thank Someone for this?

(march)

(april)

  

(may - my brothers Elijah and William were baptized!)

It has been one of the most trial-filled years of my life, I think. 

So many ups and downs. 

So many valleys, yet so many mountains.

He's opened my eyes in so many ways, taken me places that even I wouldn't ask to go.

But through it all, He is faithful.

...Thank you, Lord, for this year.I didn't think I'd be thankful for it all.

But I am. You are so good.

Please don't stop your molding, though I cry out in pain.

For you, of all, know all pain. 

You know the beauty of the gold after the fire.

(journal entry, april 2014)

 (june)

(Texas)

(july - Honduras)

"Joy does not simply happen to us.
We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every single day."
Henri JM Nouwen

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith would be made stronger 
in the presence of my Savior

Show me how to breath deep,
how to capture each small moment.
Show me how to love the dirt beneath my feet,
see You in the faces of these children.
How to praise You in the skies above.
For You are love - undefined.
(july 2014)

(august)

Lord, strip it all away

until only You remain

That CHRIST may have preeminence!

(RLCF Youth Conference 2014)

God's unfailing love for us is an objective fact affirmed over and over in the scriptures.
It is true whether we believe it or not.
Our doubts do not destroy God's love, nor does our faith create it.
It originates in the very nature of God, who is love,
and it flows to us through our union with His Beloved Son.
Jerry Bridges 

 

 (WA - august)

(september)

Am I willing to trust an unknown future to a known God? 
YES!
...I can be scared to follow where He leads and pull back,
or I can willingly go where he is leading, with joy,
knowing that HE knows the way.

I am never alone. 
He will never leave me in the dark.
(journal entry, august 2014)

Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy.
Peace does not dwell in outward things,
but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on 
Him who has all things safely in His hands
Elizabeth Elliot

(october) 

"Who am I to complain in losses--
when what I lost wasn't mine anyway?"
Ann Voskamp

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
are Your mercies in disguise?

"The car will get you there. 
But you have to stay IN the car. Trust and rest."
Dad 

 (november)

"Measure thy life by loss instead of gain;
not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured forth;
For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice,
and whoso suffers most hath most to give"
Bassi

(december)

 (SOS ministries mission trip - Honduras) 

Pray audacious prayers.

Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop.

(El Salvador)

He brought me into a broad place;

He rescued me, because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:19

Be assured, if you walk with Him
and look to Him and expect help from Him,
He will never fail you.
George Mueller

"Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord;
His going out is sure as the dawn;
He will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth."
Hosea 6:3

Read more