It has been nearly 4 years since I wrote on this blog. I kind of let it fade away and looked back at it as a thing from the past. But I realized today I really miss writing and it's way of expressing things I can't speak.
Since this time last year, March 2020, so much has happened.
Aside from the crazy world events, in my personal life I feel there has been so much change. Physically speaking and in my heart. I know it's all good, for God is sovereign over all. But I've learned that grieving is part of the process, as long as we don't stay there.
Since this time last year my brother Andrew moved to Nashville, TN. From being used to a 15 minute drive to hang out with him in the evenings, grabbing dinner or listening to him jam on the guitar, to now living across the country, never visiting his current home and hardly talking because we all have busy lives and the days tend to fly by too fast.
Since this time last year the Canadian border closed and I haven't been able to visit my sister at her house, nor has she been able to come see our home since we got married. It used to be an easy 30 minutes to drive up to Abbotsford and now, we rely on facetime calls and occasionally meet at the border for an afternoon. There was an abrupt end to birthday parties and going to the park and coffee dates.
Since this time last year, my parents and all my younger siblings moved back to Missouri. When they were still in WA, my husband and I would spend at least one night a week there. My mom would text and say dinner was in an hour, or we'd go over for sunday afternoon. One time we even biked the 8 miles to my parents home in Lynden from Ferndale, just because we could, and why not? Now it's a request-time-off-work and buy a plane ticket ordeal to visit home.
Since this time last year I put aside my Culinary School education for the foreseeable future. When money gets tight and other things got moved to life's top priorities, I decided that it was easier said than done to keep going.
Since this time last year our best friends, and married couple who started their married journey at the same time as us, they moved to Austin, TX. After losing my family along with weird covid stuff, they were the family we dwelt with. Once a week at the very least we would find ourselves at each other's houses; eating, laughing, talking, playing games, encouraging and sharpening each other, and just doing life together.
And it's okay to grieve.
I often would write something like that all above, but end every sentence with "but it is okay'. And it is, but I don't have to apologize for being real. And showing others that it actually hurts, is sad, and lonely.
But I won't stay there. I see the goodness of God in all of these little things, as significant or trivial as they may be.
I see God's hand in moving Andrew somewhere different, putting connections in his professional and music path. I don't know the outcome, but I know God is good. He has His hand in everything. I know He is growing us and shaping us in every little thing. And maybe not being able to go to my sister's house and play with her babies and laugh with my brother-in-law, maybe it's pushing us to search for the good. Like being more vulnerable on the phone, or over text, or reaching out more. I miss my mama, my dad, my brothers and sisters, but I know there's a reason. They needed to be home. They needed community, friends, rest. Taylor and I, we know we won't be in Washington long. I can't tell you where we feel led or where that'll be, or even what it'll look like. But not having my parents here is probably just another tie to Washington that was released. And the Hamiltons? Well we are still in the midst of grieving their everyday presence in Bellingham. But we also know without a shadow of a doubt that God was leading them to Texas. For the work, yes. But for His glory all the more. He's got BIG plans for them and their heart for ministry and investing in people.
Goodbyes are really hard. Really. But looking back on our lives, we've had a lot of goodbyes, between the both of us. And I don't look at it from a negative perspective any more, but really as how God has been preparing us. To not hold so tightly to people, places and things. But to live a life of cherishing every moment and living life to the fullest TODAY, and letting God hold tomorrow.
Like I mentioned before, we feel God calling us to simply be ready. Ready to GO at the drop of a hat. Taylor and I, we are dreamers. Let me tell you. We have the perfect pinterest boards of the perfect southern home with a huge garden and acres of land to have animals and free spaces that our future children can roam free on. We dream of a happy and simple American dreamy life.
And last week God wrecked those dreams. Not that we don't like that stuff any more. But it's somehow, crazy, not our top priority any more. We see the quickness, and fragility of life. It's short.
"Only one life, twill soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last."
So many people don't even know the name of Jesus. And THAT'S where we want to be. Right in the midst of the heartache, so we can give the sweet sweet hope of Jesus.
And so here we are. Not knowing what's next, but knowing the Author of it.
Would you pray for us?
